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The clock on the screen read July 28, 12:28 a.m.

Junior Karen Orillena’s mind was spinning as she faced the weight of her academic future. 

Sitting in bed with her school issued chromebook resting on her lap, the computer served as the only source of light in her room. The only sound was her teeth repeatedly colliding with her thumbnail. 

Methodically, she logged into her College Board account, just as she had done many times over the past school year.

Her mouse hovered over the “Scores” tab on her AP Classroom dashboard as she felt the pounding of her heart accelerate. 

This score would determine whether she got college credit for her AP World History class and, in her mind, her worth to her family. 

She was supposed to be the one who went to college and got the degree and moved her family  out of their old apartment. 

She believed that she couldn’t achieve any of that if her score wasn’t a passing grade. 

Clicking on “Scores” and scrolling down, she was faced with the result that her family would judge her by for the rest of the summer.

Since birth, Oriellna has known her role in her family. She was the first daughter of her family to be born in the U.S. and would be the first in her home to go to college, making her a first generation student. There was no question in her path after high school, and ultimately, while it wasn’t up to her, she never minded pursuing a higher education.

“I want to go to college on my own, but at the same time I’m a first generation student so I’m expected to go to college to help the family,” she said.

Orillena explained that many of the decisions about her future are not really in her control. While she consciously makes these choices, her family is always her underlying motivation.

“In a way, my family does impact my decision in my career choice,” she said. “Although they don’t say it, I can feel pressure to be the best or do my best and to get a job that pays enough to support my family.”

Her passions are often disregarded as just hobbies, making it difficult for her to pursue them meaningfully. 

“My passion is to own a flower shop because I love nature, but I know it isn’t the best because it’s uncertain if it’ll do well and I don’t want to risk not being able to help my family,” she said.

In a world where money is epitome of success and comfort, Orillena knows that picking a career synonymous with her passions is unattainable, and that realistically, while it could make her happy, it can’t support her family.

“The career I chose to pursue is nursing because compared to other jobs in the medical field, it’s a faster way to help my family- nursing school doesn’t take that long,” she explained.

Despite the financial aspect of her parent’s expectations, there’s also a clear distinction in her family between what is a good and bad career. 

“Even though every job is a lot of work, my parents expect a job where you get to work inside and not outside,” she said. “They see careers where you work outside as bad careers.”

The preconceived idea that Orillena will lift her family out of financial and societal distress acts as both a source of motivation and derrent.  

“My family’s expectations really impact my decisions,” she said. “Everyone has their eyes on me as the first to go to college. Being the first to get a sustainable career in the future is so much pressure. I cannot fall behind because if I do, they’ll only see my failure and lose hope. This really brings me down because then I start thinking I’m not good enough for them. When I start falling behind I tell myself that I need to pick it up or else I’ll never make them proud.”

Carrying this amount of pressure on her shoulders, Orillena does her best to work hard, but it never seems to be enough.

“Sometimes my parents compare me to close friends, and honestly it really impacts me a lot because it’s like they don’t see my hard work,” she explained. “They just see the flaws of my academic work, the bad things, but they never see the good things. It makes me feel like I’m not putting in enough effort to make them proud.”

She also noted that although her family applies a lot of pressure on her, society at large also adds its own stress.

“When it comes to societal pressures, some people do too much work to follow their parents’ expectations even though it’s not fulfilling for them,” she said. “It doesn’t make them happy, but they’re doing it for their parents and families. In addition to the pressure parents already put on kids to be the best and to get a high-paying job, society points kids in different directions as to what they should and shouldn’t pursue. Put simply, society looks down on low-paying jobs.”

While she cannot change her family, Orillena believes she can change her life situation with a career in nursing, despite the stress it might cause her. 

While she may never find the same happiness she would have had if she opened her own flower shop, her overriding goal is to make her family happy.

“My family wants me to be something successful in life, and I want to be something that gives me enough money to help them while still being fulfilling,” she said. “At the end of the day they just  expect me to have a high paying job, one that’s better than theirs.”

This article originally appeared in the Fall 2024 print edition.